The movie begins on a dubious note.  On one hand, it’s a Harry Potter about a dude my age, which is cool.  On the other hand, he’s a ridiculous, impossible genius – under / overachiever.  The kind of guy I could never have been even if I HAD applied myself in high school.  Or crapped money enough to attend college for 12 years after graduating.

[The soundtrack is making me gag. I'm serious, I taste breakfast – from yesterday! ]

The bit part star cast seemed enticing at first, but it falls apart immediately.  When the bad guy first appears, it’s just like watching Paul Mua’dib in a weird .. d20 Modern game.

[My brother Darrel rolls a 13, but my other brother Darrel has a +2 to “shimmy out of sport jacket” skill]

I think The Librarian was one of the movies that NetFlix said I’d enjoy – based, apparently, on the fact that I said I enjoyed searing hot colonics and rusty needle acupuncture.  Ooh and Muzak.  Plinky, plinky muzak – and Pink Panther antics.  Because this is one of the stupidest –  most stupid … dumbest piece of crap.   Ever.

I can’t even begin to describe how terribly shitty this movie was.   But, I shall try anyway.

[ OH THANK GAWD the DVD froze!  Yes!   Whew!  Awesome!
Awe, CRAP!  It's back
And it's dead again!
And it's back again :(  ]

Okay, you know how in my CloverSuck review, I likened that piece of donkey droppings to  a mish-mash of all the things that once worked in scary movies?  Well, we get the same thing with this piece of slug excrement.  They took every sight gag, every cliché every cheap chuckle and crammed it all into one production.  Complete with ripped-off scenes and re-hashed puzzles.  Stupid!  Stupid!  Stupid!

[ Ooh look at that old rickety bride over a waterfall.  Dur Dur Dur!  Hat go on foot! Duuur! ]

Is this movie supposed to inspire dorky kids to get out more? Or, is it meant to inspire dumb kids to read more? Ooh!  Ooh! Or maybe, it’s meant to get grown ups to pry out our own eyeballs with bits of cactus.  I feel like I’m watching Spongebob.

[ So many rip-offs from Indiana Jones.. so many .. punchlines.. ]

I mean, I guess it could be a fun movie to sit down to with your less than socially adept children, were it not for the whole murder and soul-sucking scene in the end.  Oh, then there’s the “Guess what they’re doing in bed together now!” scene near the end.  And the ever popular “The hero has to poop” scene.

[The end.  Wow.. Reaching the closing credits was damn near orgasmic.  Am I a massochist now?]

I would like to find the writers for this one and.. well, pack them full of cactus and freshly zested lemons.  I know the blog is called Time Well Wasted, but – ladies and gentlemen – this movie is without a doubt a waste of time.  Not worth it.  This DVD belongs not in my DVD player, but in my microwave.

The ONLY reason I do not give this absolute bottom marks, is because it’s not offensive.  I was not offended.  Just very, very, very, very, VERY friggin annoyed.

Rating: